Fast-food salads Pt.1

Okay so lately ive been telling myself that eating a salad for lunch is a healthy and responsable thing to do. So I've been driving through various fast-food chain resturaunts in the search of the best fast-food-salad. I'd like to riff on a few of my experiences.

This here is the Jack In The Box Southwest Chicken Salad. It comes packed with some funky ass rubbar grilled chicken, "southwestern bacon ranch" dressing that can be described as kind of a sweet and spicy mayonaise. Complementing the dressing and as a awesome bonus its comes with black beans, cherry tomatoes, shredded cheddar cheese, red onion slices, cucumbers, bacon bits and a packet of these wierd crunky "southwestern" style croutons that are also spicy in nature. I have to say so far this is the best fast food salad i've come accross, this really isn't saying much, but its a respectfull attempt at creating a stylized salad that appeals to the clint eastwood in all of us. Then agian it's really just a handfull of crapy D grade veggies that are probebley just as bad for you as anything else of the menu.

I am a avid user of the salad shake method which if preformed correctly can throughly and evenly distribute the dressing and other cute contents throughout out your salad. The methond goes like this, throw all that shit that comes packaged with the salad, close the top and shake the shit out of it. (Note: if your gonna do this please seek privacey people might think your just going postal on your lunch) this ussually works pretty good and if i might say so, it's the best way to enjoy one these pieces of shit. I mean one of the worst things i could ever imagine eating or watching someone else eat would be to just rip that packet of dressing open, pour it on top, and dig in. You'd have to be crazy! like five to six bites of dressing soaked iceberg lettuce folowed by a tour through the driest, most vomit enducing, garden freshness experiance possible in the salad world. And by the way if you get a regular coke with your salad, your fucking reetarded, you might as well give yourself a laxative cuz this coke-salad combo can only lead to painfull minutes on the toliet followed by some akward moments looking into the bowl and trying to figure out if you should call your doctor. tTommarow, Carl's Jr. Charbroiled Chicken salad!

lecture # whatever

So it's Monday and that means my co-worker Ralph gives me his obligatory, "you should take this time to do something with yourself". It's half pep-talk half this is what i did and look at me, don't end up like me thing... it's really weird. I mean the guy is in his early 50's and he's just trying to get on my level i guess and try to get me to go to school and become a attorney, politician, film maker, who knows? I still feel like I'm young enough to do whatever i want i just don't want someone to pay for an education or school that I'm not really into anyways, plus i think that I'd feel like i owed someone something and make a even bigger deal out of doing nothing, mediocrity right now would be a blessing, i feel like one big loose end like the office at the end of Charlie's chocolate factory, where there is have a hall tree, half a clock, half a desk with a half typewriter on it. Like all the things around me are unfinished and that my head is like a traffic jam of ideas, thing i want to do, things i need to do, things i have to do for myself, things i need to do for others, and various other obligations and meaningless bullshit i call everyday life, i mean how fun can your weekend be when i thought that today was like Thursday instead of Monday that means the weekend was shitty i think...

i dreamt that i confronted my mothers former hostile boyfriend and he turned into my dad

i dreamt that i was driving a polished white Rolls Royce, circa 1982

are my hands as dirty as the water that runs off of them?

Costello, REM, Snobery Pt.2

So... lets preface this with the, couldn't-be-more-true statment that i'm a HUGE 90's fan and to be honest i only became familiar with the following band in the 90's years so, i will have to riff on the 90's part of their, "SUCKCESS". R.E.M is an American rock band that doesn't rock. There is truely no more worse crown to wear or title to hold then, College Radio Gods. College kids are the ussually braindead when not studying so why is this disposable icome bearing generation a cool factor indicator in the first place? Unintentional youth breeds ambivalence. Okay REM, your in the rock and roll hall of fame, WAHHHH! Fucking Re-Tard-Ed baby. Hall of fame for rock and roll, please bitch what is this the NFL? Hell no those dudes at least have a pair of balls. Micheal Stipe coudn't polish my turds if he begged for it, and he probley would cuz he's likes dudes right? Whatever! I can't imagine going to a REM concert, that would really suck. Imagine tThey would serve large non-fat latte's in ceramic bowls and pass around some type of donations cup for endangerd african elephants or some loser ass bleeding heart cause. Pardon the irony but this band is really Gay. Let's choose and member of Depeche Mode, blindfold them and tie one hand behind his back and he would still whoop the entire shit eating band to a tearful, transexual cowpie. REM you are the weakest link, goodbye!

Costello, REM, Snobery

W H O the fuck listen's to Elvis Costello? I mean this dude is like a wizzard-slut-ass version of Buddy Holly meets/that shithead from drop dead fred. Gimme a break dude, no one likes your post punk-new wave BS anymore than they did in the first place... "Allison", "Pump it up", "Watching the detectives"??? DUDE! come on those songs suck big time, I'd rather you not wirte anymore please. I don't care if you produced The Specials first album (allthough it is pretty rad) i don't care if you've worked with Eno and i don't care if you have a long standing songwriting relastionship with Paul Macartny(he's the pussy beatle anyways). You got married at Elton Johns gay palace, vertict in your fan's dont know shit, eat my butt.

PARTY TACO

Dudes and dudettes! hello im back, i took a trip to aruba w/ cobra snake and posse but now im back in town and alive for 2099! Things i learned on vacation:

a) Floss daily
b) use the phrase, "my style is the bomb ditty bomb de dang de bomb ditty"
c) listen to; Fine Young Cannibals "Good Thing, Teddy Bears "Cobrastyle"

this is the new moushtache tattoo FYI~DIY

Fav's

So i think i'll end up in one of these very soon:


"Fire In The Sky"


"Just Clownin'"


"We Stand As One"


"No Bull"


"Wizzardo"


Last but not least, "Roman'TIC"

Gangs Of New Pork

Had to pickup my aunt Karen to day from the airport and i asked her what shes been doing latey and she tells me a story about how she went to a Porn-ada party... okay so like a Mexican pinata party but with a pinata full of various Personal lubricates, sexy toys and novelty condoms. First off let me say that i got mad love for my Aunt Karen and i reallly appreciate her candid and comfortable attitude but, totally TMI girl! She went along to say that she was hand picked from the margarite swilling party goers to be the first batter up in the smash the pinate game and severed the leg off this adults only pinata spilling its naughty innards all over the ground and instantly threw her blindfold off and made the mad dash for the XXX stash and scored a bubble-wrapped fishnet skinsuit? Yikes... i don't wanna get old.

PS: sorry Carrie